Yeti this budget breath अस्स्मुंच

For most of my life I would be the first person that would give you one really smirky look if you dared bring up the subject of Sasquatch in my presence. Come on people, can we possibly get any more ridiculous than suggesting that these giant primates still wander around the North American continent, or for that matter, wandering around ever, on any continent?

You hear people say that you don’t find bear carcasses lying around and there’s more bears than there are Sasquatches. (I’m not really sure about the plural of Sasquatch, but I gave it a shot anyway, even though my spellchecker is blinking like a left turn signal on some old geezer’s car driving down the Florida Turnpike.) True enough that no one has ever discovered a bear carcass in downtown Manhattan, but having visited the Smithsonian several gadzillion times during lunch, I can assure you we have found a few bear carcasses here and there. Then there’s the feces excuse, where we are reminded that Homo sapiens do not leave their poop out lying around for everyone to see, but anyone that would dare say that has obviously never heard of Woodstock.

Quite recently, Hillary Clinton received a massive amount of criticism for her sponsoring of a bill that would finance a supposed “Hippie museum” near the site of the original Woodstock festival. Normally I do not take kindly to my tax dollars being spent on anything other than the basic necessities. However in this particular case, I will not only support the Woodstock Museum, but I would love to see additional funding spent on a Sasquatch Museum, with the proviso that it is located right next door to the Hippie museum.

If you were to scour this country from one end to the other, you would have about as much success finding a bona fide hippie, as you would a Sasquatch. Frankly I do not think that hippies ever actually existed outside of mythology. You could in fact find what was labeled as hippie poop all over the ground immediately after the Woodstock festival. If in fact you had bothered to have the poop tested, you have discovered that this poop in fact came from your garden-variety Homo sapiens.

To my knowledge no one actually possesses a sample of hippie poop, nor would one actually be able to track down any of these supposed hippies from Woodstock today. You might find people that attended the festival but I can assure you from personal experience that none of them show any outward signs indicating that they are hippies, although some of their sport-utility vehicles are hybrids.

In essence, there is very little difference between a hippie and a Sasquatch in the viability department. I think spending taxpayer dollars on two co-located museums in the Woodstock New York area is a wonderful idea. It would serve to remind visitors that both hippies and the Sasquatch are largely inventions of the human imagination. If my memory serves me correctly, not one single human has ever been killed by the artifacts of someone’s imagination. Considering how much of your tax dollars currently fund pursuits that do kill human beings, this might be one of the few cases where public funding doesn’t keep you up at night.

Besides, if any hippies or Sasquatches ever bother to show up, we will have two empty buildings they can spend the night in, so nobody has to keep these foul-smelling creatures at their place.

A circle jerking मोठेर्फुच्केर

So you guys aren’t getting any either?

I was reading this story on Dan Bartlett the other day and I came across the retelling of the night when he and Ari Fleischer sat down with Dick and Lynne Cheney to warn them that bringing their lesbian daughter, Mary, on the campaign trail would invite press scrutiny. They sat there for what must have seemed like hours, hemming and hawing when Dick Cheney finally spoke up,"We won't be talking about my daughter." Dan and Ari left shortly afterwards with apparent haste.

You might think that my thoughts would be along the lines of just how utterly hypocritical Cheney and the Bush administration have been with their pandering to the religious right on virtually any subject that might involve homosexuality. The wiser among you might think that I would focus on the obvious elitism that is really more of the focal point on the story that is all things Bush and Cheney. That would include Dick Cheney’s daughter, who has never once spoken up to express any disdain over negative comments made by her father’s administration that were directed towards gays and lesbians.

The reality is my mind immediately began to search for all things related to homosexuality that might actually be damaging towards humanity. You might also think that I wouldn’t find anything that was actually a legitimate threat to humanity brought about by the mere existence of homosexuals. You would be wrong cunnilingus-breath, because I in fact did find two things that are legitimate threats to humanity.

1) Many humans who are secretly repressing their own homosexual yearnings are disturbed by the temptation of other homosexuals being so plainly obvious in public, and this can also raise high levels of resentment because these closeted types are envious of those who choose to be openly gay.

2) With the exception of those homosexuals such as Cheney’s own daughter who has actually reproduced, homosexuals do not propagate the species.

I have heard complaining about homosexuals not propagating the species, but I have also heard complaints about homosexuals propagating the species. As a matter of fact, many of the same people Cheney regularly panders to become highly upset when they hear that any homosexuals are raising children. When you see a situation where someone is damned if they do, and damned if they don’t, I’m inclined to think that the offended parties would prefer if the offender would just cease to exist. Lastly, I checked and there are over six and one half-billion people on this planet, and it was probably damn near a century ago when we passed the point where we were in danger of under population.

So basically the propagation issue is a smokescreen that effectively shoves crutches up under the armpits of hatred, but what about our first threat? Well obviously this is a problem that all of these queers have got to sort out amongst themselves. Closeted faggots upset about faggots that came out of the closet? This is a 100 percent rump-ranger inner circle problem. Either you guys have got to come out of the closet, or the other guys have got to get back in the closet with you. Stop bothering us straight people with your petty identity crises and power struggles. Head to the nearest public restroom folks and work this thing out; us straight people have problems of our own, and you lap-lickers are clogging up our radar screens with your political daisy chains.

बुन्घोलिओस

Dear Barbie Zapruder

I have a blog stalker. I have this “Peeping Tom” that visits my blog on a daily basis. I know this because she has the same profile that shows up on my statistics reports. Each time the visit comes from the same address, and worse…this visitor never comments but stays on long enough to do a full read. How did I know it was a she? Good instincts I would guess.

I thought that maybe it was someone who whenever they clicked on my page, they also got a phone call the very moment my page loaded. Maybe this person was a telemarketer maybe not, or maybe they just had a bladder control problem.

Perhaps during the phone call, Mrs. Birchenstroud would walk by their desk and they had to click off of my page without ever reading it. This was to assure that Birchenstroud would actually think she was working, not reading a blog. Every day Mrs. Birchenstroud would repeat her surveillance of Barbie Zapruder’s cubicle and every day, Barbie would have to click out of my page while she was taking a call.

I have sat there and observed this phenomenon every day for the past week. I have been torn between the bladder control problem and the Barbie Zapruder possibility. A human can be jolted by an event literally and as well as figuratively, and this stalker has been part of the package in assuring that I received a thorough thumping. God or fate as you will, finally stepped up and turned the lightbulb for me, as just by chance, I just met Mrs. Birchenstroud today at the grocery store. Confused, well that’s okay.

You see, I had someone bump my car last week and do some minor damage. They were charged and I was given the number of someone in their insurance companies claims office. I have been calling and calling this number and it’s always busy, so I thought I would put her name up top on this post. I did this hoping she would see her name before Mrs. Birchenstroud walked past her cubicle, and maybe she would be curious enough to come back to my site when she got home. Maybe then she would see I have been trying to reach her for the last week with no success.

An email would just be real damn sweet of you Barbie.

REVERENDGISHER@YAHOO.COM

Nude Chicken Vixens attack my अस

Well gosh darn, I put the last post up for Daveawayfromhome but he has been so busy earning extra Christmas cash, that he has not had time to come by and see the story. So Dave when you see this, hit the archive button and look one story back for what I posted for you.

I have posted a video, which is below, and I’m not expecting this one to win honors from Sundance, it is the first video I've put up in a while. After Youtube banned my videos, Yahoo banned me, and then Myspace followed them, which in turn was followed by GoFish. This is not surprising as I viciously attacked not only social conservatives (read Evangelicals), but I also attacked that branch of Neocons who are known as bloodthirsty hawks, as well as throwing a couple of hard punches George Bush’s way. That is not a good recipe for survival. Why Google has me up still is beyond me, but they are still tolerating me.

This video is just pure silliness, and was filmed a little over two years ago in British Columbia during an extended stay there. The creature you’re going to see is a Ptarmigan, which is not exactly rare in Canada and the upper U.S. Rockies, and I have it on good faith that they are excellent eating. This is not surprising as they are closely related to grouse and chickens. If it were not for the fact that I would be fined and arrested I would smuggle several of these across the border and place them in my yard to defend the perimeter. After viewing this video, you will understand why I would say that.

A gift for Daveawayfromhome

First I must insist that you excuse me for being serious in a post yet again, but the behavior of one little rascal must clearly be recognized. Daveawayfromhome appears to be the first person to express, but not necessarily the first to grasp, as many others may have done so, what the heck I was saying over at Less Idiots.

In a comment he made on one of his posts, he asked me what exactly was left for a voter who truly wanted to make changes. Daveaway figured out that all of the old methods will not work. At the very moment that he asked that question, I was still bristling from what I perceived to be the abject failure of all of my efforts at Less Idiots. His comment sort of stirred around in my head and eventually coalesced into additional minor action on my part.

If you will notice the picture above, and you can click on it to enlarge it, it is a screenshot of a recent visitor to Less Idiots. This visit, in addition to being a minor prize for all of my efforts, was the final catalyst behind a slight growth of maturity on my part. I realized that Less Idiots was not a complete failure, and might in fact be some sort of Touchstone by default.

This moved me to rewrite my little fuck you message I had left on the top page at Less Idiots. Now I can adequately address Daveaway’s question by pointing him directly to this link.

I did my time, I paid my dues, and I am not about to crank up Less Idiots again. I put more time in that site than anyone save MMG will ever know. Less Idiots was my sabbatical with the Peace Corps. It was my grand humanitarian gesture. If you add in the research I completed in the months before I started that site, I put well over two years of everything I had into that venture. I could have put more money into it, but I had to prove you didn't need much of it to get off the ground.

Somehow, without realizing it, I accomplished what I set out to do with that damn site and in addition, I realized that it never was my job to organize a revolution. I wasn’t Washington leading the troops, I wasn’t Jefferson drafting the documents, no I was just poor little old Thomas Paine, bringing you the common sense. I did my part, and now it’s time for other people to do theirs, and not for one second am I presuming they will.

Me, I am sticking with my art, this stupid little blog here, and MMG, that is more than enough for me. Ok, maybe I will work on Smoking Ass search every now and then, but that is it folks.

By the way, I am really, really, really proud of that visit from Halliburton.

योव्सिर

Could you wipe your own अस?

Potty humor

I cannot say a lady, but I suppose it is safe to say a woman was cited for screaming profanities at her overflowing toilet in Scranton Pennsylvania. I took a special interest in the story because it happened in my neck of the woods. Well if you want to split hairs, it isn’t very far away from the Wal-Mart I visited the day after the incident.

I have overheard counter arguments that Elvis shot up a toilet once in New York City, but that is New York City, and apparently Elvis was not prosecuted. Well I think Rudy Giuliani cleaned up that little gun problem when he became mayor of what I lovingly and ironically refer to as “The Big Cesspool”. Supposedly, Giuliani fixed everything in New York City, and now he wants to protect our toilets on a national level.

First I must dispel any myths that exist about Pennsylvania being a tad bit British, excuse me, prudish. British would be Virginia, and Pennsylvania would be Dutch, or perhaps German. This lady was cited for disorderly conduct, not for hurling profanities at the porcelain throne, and as far as I can tell, the British were not involved. The bottom line is that I have lived here for over three months, and no one has cited me for any unusual behavior as of yet. When you consider the full range of possible behaviors I can exhibit, this would tend to indicate the Pennsylvania is not only not prudish, but also extremely tolerant.

Then you have to consider that this lady and I use that term oh so loosely, was cited for disorderly conduct, not for screaming profanities at her toilet. In Pennsylvania, you can scream profanities at your toilet all you want, but just make sure you don’t keep the entire neighborhood up expressing your feelings. Somebody please tell the ACLU to pack their bags and go home, we do not want them here defending what is essentially disorderly conduct. If they start throwing the Amish in jail for hurling profanities in German at their outhouses, then the ACLU is more than welcomed to come back.

Right now most Pennsylvanians are concerned that New York, New Jersey, and Ohio are on our borders, and that is the real obscenity.

Toil and bubbles or Jesus needs another taco

Regarding that hour-long drive into Scranton or to be more accurate, Dickson City to visit the Wal-Mart, I took a tire down to have it replaced. This tire was made in Mexico, and was put on my car to replace another tire made in Mexico that had developed a bubble on the sidewall. Five months later, the upgraded, high-tech Mexican-made replacement tire also developed a bubble on the sidewall.

To all of those good people bitching about the Mexican trucks that are now freely driving on our highways, I would like to reassure you that it is unlikely that these trucks will travel very far inside our borders on those tires.

ई कैन विपे मय ओवन अस

Forgive my अस oh lordy

Malice in the streets

So you come home from work one day and find your wife thoroughly pissed about your son. She informs you that your little bundle of joy spent the day turning over trashcans in the neighborhood. This is exactly the predicament George Herbert Walker Bush came home to one day nearly 50 years ago. It seems George Jr. had spent the afternoon making a thorough mess of the neighborhood.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you should ever find yourself in this predicament, subtlety in your response could be highly detrimental to the future of your country. Get any child of yours who displays such behavior right on down to the veterinarian, and have them immediately euthanized. If you choose any other course, the world may just look like your neighborhood when this child grows up.

Malice beneath the sheets

An estimated twenty-three percent of American couples sleep apart, according to a survey by the National Sleep Foundation. Then you have the case of the Australian woman who frequently sleepwalks and has sex with strangers, all while still slumbering away. This behavior is actually a well-known but poorly understood condition, known as sleep sex. If both partners never wake up, how do they know if anything has occurred during the night?

I started to wonder if a large number of American couples are sleeping apart because of sleep sex and not because of snoring or tossing and turning. Who actually wants to admit that their partner frequently nails them while asleep? Makes one sound somewhat pathetically boring don’t you think? You also have to consider the overall accuracy of a man who has an erection and is stumbling around in his sleep. Perhaps he docks the submarine just a tad bit off target?

Then again this could be similar to many of the socially dysfunctional behaviors that occur with chronic drinkers. Really poor behavior by drinkers is frequently blamed on their indiscriminate use of the bottle. It is not uncommon for drinkers to be fully aware of the ethics and morals of their behavior while they are shit-faced, but yet still they manage to commit the offense.

Perhaps these folks who are plagued by sleep sex are in reality, suffering from incompatible sex drives with their partners. Any actual confrontation over the matter only occurs under the guise of sleep-porking. Then again there are a bunch of men in Australia, and very few women, so maybe something else is being covered up here. Besides, who really knows what happens to you while you sleep? I doubt I will personally ever get to the bottom of this so for now, you folks sleep well.

निघ्टी-निघ्त

Seemingly फुक्किंग useless research

Beavis and Butthead would love this one.

A study has found that subliminal images of female nudes help heterosexual men to find the orientation of a briefly shown abstract shape. Such nudity-driven focusing worked almost as well for women, as long as the image accorded with their sexual preference.

Cognitive neuroscientist Sheng He of the University of Minnesota and his colleagues gathered groups of heterosexual men, heterosexual women, homosexual men and bisexual women numbering ten each. The researchers were able to cancel out the vision in one eye's image by shooting a specific high contrast image to the other eye. Such an image, called a Gabor patch, consists of a series of contrasting lines that form an abstract and visually arresting shape.

Researchers then slipped an erotic image; for example, a naked woman displayed for a heterosexual man, into the canceled out image slot. To ensure that subjects did not consciously detect the invisible image, they were asked to press a specific key if they noticed any difference between the left and right images. During the course of these trials, men were significantly better at detecting the orientation of Gabor patches when they appeared in the slot formerly occupied by an invisible image of a nude woman.

The heterosexual men, however, had a more difficult time detecting the same orientation when it was located where an invisible picture of a nude man was formerly located. Heterosexual women and homosexual men did not have this difficulty when looking at pictures of those of their same sex. Despite this difference, the study showed that our focus seems to be riveted on detecting sexual opportunity, and especially so when it is invisible.

Lately, I have noticed that I have immense difficulty in maintaining my focus for any really lengthy period. Now, I know why I have so much difficulty in concentrating; it’s all these gorgeous, naked and invisible women running around. Silly me, I thought it might be early onset of dementia. There is one major problem that I can see with this matter and that is, exactly how do you score with these invisible women?

No homophobia here

What if Heaven and Hell are actually the same place and the only real difference for the attendees is their own perspective? Would it not be possible then that Jerry Falwell could actually go to heaven and enjoy an evening with a couple of terrorists in gay bar, and at the end of the evening, the terrorists would continue their quest for virgins in a city that consisted entirely of gay bars? Just a thought you know, not curious mind you, just a thought.

प्रिक्क्ल्य टुडे

इत बे fubar

Tell me you love me in five words or less.

Recently I downloaded a program known as Site-Sucker, which allows you to suck down an entire website, not unlike a senator in a men’s restroom. You can pretty much load an entire website right down onto your desktop.

I also happen to own what may be the world’s first version of a multicellular heuristic network platform computer. Through trial and error, this biomechanical data cruncher moves at warp speed through whatever electronic document you submit to it, and looks for any subliminally recurring terms or phrases.

In essence it reduces said document to its deepest levels and and will render legible the most dominant themes it finds. You can preset the length of these results up to ten words, although it’s designers tell me that the highest rate of accuracy is delivered when the machine is set to five word phrases.

I thought I would test the entire system out so I set the machine at the recommended five words and pointed it at a few of the sites that link to me and here are the results:


Omnipotent poobah: Porn is good for you

lingo slinger: I like odd looking penis

monkey eggs: Fill the bong my bitch

the fork: Somebody stole my teddy bear

David Drake: You are my soulmate Maurice


After looking at the results, frankly I am unable to make heads or tails out of the meaning of it all, and perhaps I need another computer to interpret the finished data. I will however continue working closely with the designers of this equipment until the results become perhaps, more intuitive?

In totally and absolutely unrelated news, I must sadly inform all of the owners of sites that link with me that I must withdraw my offer of a free stay at my place if you should happen to pass through. You haven’t done anything wrong at all, I just, well I think, you see my cat seems to be having a constant and unrelenting menstrual cycle, and I would not wish that upon anyone that I truly treasure as much as I do all of you.

Editor’s note: All apologies for the horrific case of run-on sentences that appeared in this piece.

बिप्पिटी बोप

Pull your heads out of your अस

Almost one month ago, when the newest Bin Laden tape was released, I smelled something funky in the mix and told David Drake over at his place. You can read the comments here. Holy Jesus Batman, one month later MSNBC runs this piece. Dave’s reaction was well; typical of Dave as he cannot perceive how Bush could ever do anything wrong, let alone manipulative or illegal. God blesses his little heart.

Turns out I was off just a tad on the motivation, but pretty much nailed the central theme anyway. Not that MSNBC is that much of a top-flight news organization; essentially the entire affair was leaked by the SITE Intelligence Group. There isn’t that much intelligence to the SITE Intelligence Group, because they themselves wound up leaking more information than perhaps they should.

Bottom line, someone high up in the White House leaked out classified information, and as a result set back a private effort to worm their way inside Al-Qaeda by several years. No wonder the director of SITE was pissed off enough to leak this to MSNBC. There will be no investigation, nor will there be any impeachment proceedings because this happened on the watch of Bush, a notorious hawk. If we got rid of the republicans that would leave us in the hands of the democrats, who are soft on defense and terrorism. So we are stuck with the republicans who leak away our security.

Please also overlook that our security agencies get billions of dollars to aid them in defending us largely just sit on their ass and wait for some private thugs to bring them actionable intelligence. Please ignore that MSNBC does not ask the questions I do, and that they accepted those server logs as though only God could edit or alter them.

You may also choose to look the other way on the total lack of oversight or control we have over these private spook companies, not to mention that their primary motivation is profit, not our well being. We will obviously continue to pay billions to folks at the NSA and the CIA to keep their chairs warm. We will also continue to pay gadzillions to whatever Tom, Dick, or Harry that finds Intel in a trashcan. Thank God the republicans are there to protect us and our tax dollars.

As for you, if you are looking for insightful analysis, do not bother with the Mass Media, or the run-of-the-mill right or left blogs, look no further than Reverend Gisher, who also just nailed the Bushies on violating their own ethics on negotiating with thugs in yesterday’s post. God only knows what I will discover next.

Right now I have to go as I have a far more serious problem with migrating birds pooping on my deck.

टाटा

Smell your own अस yet?

I couldn't get any funnier if I tried.

Today’s post takes us off of my moment of seriousness on healthcare and moves me onto yet another concern of most Americans; the morass that is Iraq, I read this story, and was well, inspired. While you might not think Iraq was a subject brimming with comedy, this story illustrates that in fact, it is the pinnacle of humor.

Now before you read this thoroughly deep story at MSNBC, I shall point out that not a single peep has been posted from the Whitehouse on this, and that is because the sources used in this story are all either from our own military, or our own for-hire puppets. I have complained about the lack of in depth reporting from the mass media, but this story is a refreshing change that I hope becomes a trend.

First off, the violence is way, way down in Iraq, which is a good thing if you actually live there. The issue of why it is down is another matter. Remember those guys who were blowing our troops up a few months ago? Well now we are paying them to not blow us up. In yet a new U.S. government entitlement program, your taxes are now paying bad guys not to kill us. If you are an American soldier, that is a good thing.

We have however abandoned the premise of bringing democracy to Iraq, because we are now propping up warlords in Iraq with mountains of cash, in an effort to hold down on the violence. To my friend David Drake who is forever asking, “When will it all end?” when referring to continual taxation to fund entitlement programs, I must answer, “Apparently as long as we want things quiet in Iraq, it will not.” Hope you don’t mind putting off a few purchases of your own Dave so we can properly support the troops by properly supporting the warlords.

So basically we spent over 3500 hundred lives of our young men so far, to get rid of one puppet thug we created years ago, to replace him with dozens and dozens of thugs now. We do have free flowing oil, and we may even be able to bring our boys home. I am not sure how much we will continue to pay to these thugs to keep things quiet there, but you know things are looking up. Especially if you are an Iraqi warlord.

My children must be smiling now. When they were growing up, they used to stuff their toys and dirty clothes in the closets and under the beds when I asked them to clean up their rooms. They thought this would pass muster. This slight-of-hand never seemed to work very well for them. My kids are smiling now because their daddy looked in the closet and under the beds again, and as usual, he found something.

वी नेवर लीर्ण

You दिप्शिट्स are so gullible

Some folks always have blinders on

Today I was listening to a local Neocon radio program and former Senator Rick Santorum was the guest. If you cannot recall the hostile stance of this anti-gay, anti-death with dignity proponent, or his desire to force Americans to pay for weather reports, just think of Rick as the world’s largest non-lactating breast if it helps you out. I might also mention that Santorum was well financed by a private, (read: for profit) weather company, (SURPRISE!) and his motives may have been just a tad lacking in purity.

On this program Rick was bemoaning the ills of government financed healthcare, when one of our local boys phoned in with a question. This local yokel pointed out that the overhead on federal health insurance programs ran at around fifteen cents on the dollar and private overhead was closer to forty cents on the dollar. This Buggtussle brother o’ mine wanted to hear Prick Sanitarium’s thoughts on this, but the (EX) senator suddenly had to leave the program, amidst much throat clearing by him and the lady host.

I thought well gee, if that is true, what a shock, because you usually do not think of Government being able to efficiently deliver anything. So I headed back to the Gisher Corral to do the research. Low and behold, my Bugtussle brother was off a few pennies but his point was thoroughly valid, and no wonder Prick Sanitarium was in a hurry not to answer. Check it out for yourself if you have a few spare hours. Perhaps longer if you have never ventured away from right-wing think tanks for your research. Most of it is data compiled by your own damn government.

Let me add a little something about doctors, as I have several in my family, and I have actually talked to them about healthcare. They frequently work with hundreds of plans, every one of them with different rules and regs, each demanding physicians prescribe a different group of medications, and dictating that doctors refer patients to a plethora of different specialists. The U.S. system is an absolute paperwork nightmare for doctors as well hospitals and patients, not to mention that this administrative morass wastes hundreds of billions of dollars. BILLIONS BABY! Billions that could go towards insuring the uninsured if only we had a more streamlined system to work with.

So if you like seeing the Insurance industry make a healthy profit, and you don’t mind having people die because they cannot afford health insurance, keep up that “private everything” stance you are with there homies. While you are at it, why not be consistent? Since private is the only way for you, why don’t you start working to abolish the Defense Department, and get private companies to defend America, you know, folks just like Blackwater? Profit is what matters isn’t it? Even when it is not efficient right?

By the way Mr Santorum, you and a couple million of your “Christcheean Brothers” need to read the following passages; it comes from a book most of you never read:

Matthew 18:21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

Matthew 18:22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

"Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." Look that one up too McSchmuckles. Figure out where yourself.

ग्रोव आ ब्रेन

The world has gone नुट्स

Duck sauce anyone?

Remember from last week, my post about the toe sucker? Okay, now do you remember about that Christian senator who got busted trying to get some strange in a Minneapolis airport restroom? Well this week, a man was in custody after Minneapolis police said he ripped the head off a tame duck that lived in a hotel lobby’s ornamental pond. (Never mind focusing on why a hotel had a duck instead of fish in their pond.) The assailant grabbed the duck, then turned to onlookers and said:

“I’m hungry. I’m gonna eat it.”

Then there was the Farmington woman who drove for half a mile with her husband on the hood of her car and her 9-year-old child in the front passenger seat. The complaint said she ran into her husband and the impact tossed Mr. Cooper onto the car's hood and Miller-Cooper drove off. She eventually stopped and as her husband fell off the car, she drove away.

From Paul Bunyan to the Spam Museum, from Jesse Ventura to the world’s largest ball of twine, welcome to toe-sucking Minnesota. I know I am going to catch hell from loyal Minnesotans, but Jesus H. Christ you people are downright weird. Minnesota is somewhat like a rural version of California. Seriously folks, all other states elect much better actors for governor.

Speaking of Minnesota

Jesus Christ will be hosting a press conference at 3:30 p.m. Friday at the Holiday Inn (Rivercentre) in response to Senator John McCain’s remarks on America being a Christian nation. In his press release today, Jesus noted that in fact, he was a strong supporter of America’s Whig party.

Jesus noted that he was considering a run for office himself but that the Jews killed him before he had a chance. Noting that the Whigs preferred congressional power to presidential power, Jesus said McCain’s remarks highlighted why “Whigs favored that particular distribution of power”.

“It was never about religion, it was never about the spirit, it was all about the politics of gay marriage”, Jesus said in comments regarding his three year campaign in Israel. “I mean come on, thirteen guys and a prostitute living together, what were you expecting?” he concluded. Jesus added that he felt qualified to run for office because “people were already twisting my words around anyway”.

गूढ़ एअतिंग

अप्परेंत्ल्य यू हवे मोरे इम्पोर्तंत थिंग्स तो दो

Who’s number 1?

I used Google trends to once again; check up on whom is searching for what and where. The figures are for the year 2007 and are quite telling, if you ask me.

The search phrase. “Butt Crack” found Canada to be the top country requesting this term. “Gay porn”, well that would be Ireland. “Animal porn”, well who else but Helsinki, Finland. “Horse sex”, you would know that would be Pakistan. “Child porn”, well that would be South Africa. “Sheep sex”, well you guessed it; Ireland won the prize again. As for the search phrase, “Low sex drive”, folks Toronto Canada and Vancouver Canada came up as the top cities requesting results. When “Sexual dysfunction” was the search phrase none other than the good ole' USA won out, hands down.

Speaking of joyless अस्स्विपेस...

I decided that I would try and imagine what the world would look like if I possessed a Fundamentalist’s mindset. For starters, people would be severely beaten with cane poles for using cell phones in restaurants. All elected officials would be required to consume hallucinogenic mushrooms, and women under fifty would be required by law to be topless in public places. Men over fifty would not be allowed to publicly display hair growing in their ears.

Billionaires would be taxed extensively; they could only net a million dollars a year after taxes. Any luxury tax exemptions would be repealed because the only place those purchases are trickling down into are jobs in other countries. You could practice whatever religion you wanted but you could not get a tax break for your church if any part of it’s revenue was spent on political campaigns.

Gay men could march in parades, but I would not allow them to smear their fellow gays by picking the most ridiculous of all possible costumes. There would also be a contingent required in every parade from the ranks of people who liked sex with animals, although they would have to march in front of the horses.

These are just a few of the changes that would occur if I assumed the right to tell my fellow Americans how they could live. Bet most of you are really glad now that you still have separation of church and state.

स्नुं उप