Couldn’t be a bigger अस्स्विपे

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (AP)-A gunfight at the VooDoo Lounge in Las Vegas, claimed the lives of O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, and Phil Spector yesterday evening.

Witnesses said a fight broke out when Simspon started loudly boasting that more Internet sites came up when his name was searched for than the other two combined. Words were exchanged and Simpson was observed wildly flailing away at Blake and Spector with a ripe banana, and then the shooting erupted.

Police say Blake shot and killed Simpson, and then fired one round to Spector’s head at point blank range and shortly afterwards, shot out a window and tossed his gun into a nearby dumpster. Seconds later, Spector’s gun discharged when his deceased body flinched, instantly killing Blake. Police said former comedian Michael Richards, who was waiting tables at the nightclub, witnessed the crime.

In related news, a new Harris survey determined that more former Los Angeles County prosecutors had jobs working in fast food restaurants than those who were working in the retail industry.

We like a little Conway Twitty with our Rachmaninoff

As I was sitting on my deck yesterday, watching the first autumn leaves fall upon the mountainside, my attention shifted upwards to the usually inevitably blue sky. Yesterday however, we had actual clouds and I began to notice different shapes forming amongst them.

First I noticed what looked like an elephant and after a few moments it morphed into something that resembled Samuel Clemens, and you could even make out the bushy mustache and cigar. Then I noticed another cloud formation that soon became a dead ringer for Donny and Marie Osmond, and it looked like the two of them were having sex doggie-style. Then I began to hear the ever so sickening ballad; “ I’m leaving it all up to you”.

Almost immediately, I noticed another cloud formation that appeared to be forming what looked like Tony Curtis giving Charlton Heston a reacharound in a spa, and suddenly I heard the strains of the Village People’s “YMCA” dancing through my head.

Then I was hit with an epiphany, and while you might think my revelation was that I should never have experimented with acid, it was actually regarding the need for some sort of cloud formation-rating system. Let’s face it, if we had one, you would know whether it was safe or not to allow the children to go outside.

टाटा

As if anybody gives a शीत

ESPN purchases the EPA. The NBA in talks to acquire NASA

In a press conference on Monday, a reporter asked Mike Gundy, head coach of the Oklahoma State football team, why we had recalls on Chinese manufactured toys. This was Mike’s response:

“You obviously do not have any kids, or you never would’ve asked that question. And any editor that would let you show up and ask that question, that editor needs to be fired. If you had any kids, you would not want them to walk around with their skin turning translucent, and their hair falling out. One of my kids gets messed up with one of those recalled Chinese toys, you better not mess with them, because they didn’t do anything wrong. All little Timmy wanted was a GI Joe action commando set, little Timmy didn’t want to die from lead poisoning, little Timmy didn’t want to spend the rest of his life retarded and all.

You apparently want to see little Timmy turn all sorts of different colors, and puke his guts out. I have no idea where this world is heading, when people can actually ask a question as stupid as you just did. One day when you have your own little kids, maybe then you’ll understand. American people didn’t do anything wrong other than to expect a decent living wage, and reasonable benefits, and these titans of corporate greed sent all of their jobs over to a bunch of people that have zero awareness of what toxins are; when someone falls dead in China, nobody bothers to ask why, it is just another person dead, and they already have so many people, they can stand to lose a few.

How in the world could you stand there, and dare ask me that question? You have obviously never been a parent, and it might be a good thing if you decide not to reproduce. We need people in this country who give a damn about little Timmy, not inconsiderate assholes who ask stupid questions like you!”

Mike Gundy then exited to the applause of the crowd at the press conference.

Chocolate candy is now a health food.

I bought a bag of trail mix the other day. On the package it says and I quote:

“A great mountain tradition of good old raisins, peanuts, almonds, and M&M’s® Milk Chocolate Candies”

A great mountain tradition? Screw Jenny Craig® and Healthy Choice®, I’m heading to the mountains.

बच तो द future

Suck on this one

The SmokingGun.com has the all-star mugshot of a Minnesota guy who robbed a woman of her purse and cell phone and then, well, started sucking her toes. Most people would ask themselves, why would you steal a woman’s purse and cell phone, and only afterwards, suck her toes?

As far as I am concerned, sucking someone’s toe is a highly personal act, and as one never knows where a toe might have been, this approach seems highly logical. If you obtain a woman’s purse and cell phone you have immediate access to information about those who she might associate with. If one is a highly accomplished and professional toe-sucker, this sort of background information is just simply too delicious to overlook.

I found myself in a state of complete shame after reading this story as I have always sucked a woman’s toes first, and asked questions later. Maybe this explains my recurring lip fungus.


Johnny Cochran apparently didn’t think of this

Recently, I stumbled upon Capgras delusion, which is a rare disorder in which a person holds a delusional belief that an acquaintance, usually a spouse or other close family member, has been replaced by an identical looking impostor.

The Capgras delusion is classed as a delusional misidentification syndrome, a class of delusional beliefs that involves the misidentification of people, places or objects. These delusions are most common in-patients who have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, although it can occur in a number of conditions including after brain injury and also can be found in-patients with dementia.

If by any chance you have someone in your family that you really want to send on a dirt nap, just pretend that you never read this article.

दास बोट

Got’s Smoking Ass?

If you’ll forgive me, I would like to get semi-serious for just a moment here. I'd like to talk to you about Wikipedia. Over 7 million articles in over 200 languages, and still growing, or so they say. I need to admit right up front that I have used Wikipedia for research and overall, the idea behind it is pretty nifty. There is one tiny little detail that must not be overlooked with regards to Wiki, and that would be peer review.

If you’re going to research anything, then you want accurate information, and peer review is perhaps one of the best ways to assure the reliability of your data. Wikipedia has its own version of peer review. Basically this means that once in a while, one of the editors notices, and then corrects what happened when some malcontent finds one of their lovely pages, and performs the moral equivalent of spray painting graffiti all over Wiki’s little work of art.

If you noticed that I used the words “once and a while”, that is because far more frequently, the highly overtaxed Wiki editor discovers the error and has barely enough time to post his or her own version of a “naughty-naughty”, and only warns the unsuspecting passerby that the information they are looking at may be highly flawed. Unfortunately there are also countless occasions where this “digital graffiti” has not been found yet by any of Wiki’s erstwhile editors.

Peer review does not guarantee perfection, but adequate peer review can nudge you a lot closer to reliability. I finally found myself burned crisp doing one of several historical searches on Wiki, and realized I wasn’t getting accurate history, I was getting an accurate “gist-ory”. Wikipedia usually just gives you the basic idea which is nice, but I would not bet my life or my bank account on the accuracy of Wiki’s articles.

So I set out looking for a web site that I could utilize for research, one that would have a minimal amount of bias, and a high degree of accuracy. I finally found that web site, but only because I took the time to make the damn thing myself. Google basically loaned me their algorithm, which is a pretty sharp algorithm, and they have allowed me to tinker with what I think is perhaps their fatal flaw:

Google’s site ranking system. Done any searches recently on Google?

Wikipedia still comes up in my searches, but it is no longer the almost de facto default return. In some cases, you will not find Wikipedia without utilizing a shovel. Another wonderful aspect of this search engine, is that you do not need a tennis racket to swat away the dozens of returns that are only minimally related to your query. The best aspect is the reliability of the data that is returned.

If humans are involved, nothing is ever going to be perfect, but this might be as close to perfection as this man, and that machine can get. The reason is I have tried to add weight to the returns with much higher standards for peer review. (I must mention that MMG has helped out on this project, and I sure would not mind additional help, complaints or suggestions from anyone who is not foaming at the mouth.)

Now you can get accurate, reliable information, to back up what ever comes out of your extremely grand mouth. Or you can do what an ever increasing crowd of idiots do; quote something you found on a blog, written by a guy who lifted from another guy’s blog, who in turn was lifting from website that was published by an organization like PETA or the NRA. You could also use Google, to then find Wikipedia, and then sit back and clench your buns together hoping Wiki had it right.

It is still a work in progress, and there are many bugs to iron out still, but in most cases I feel safe enough to say it is already more reliable than McGoogle and McWiki.

Here you go, you make the call, try it for yourself.

बड़ा बिंग

गेत्तिंग अस रेअमेद again

Keep it simple stupid

Occam's razor, while not exactly being the best example of a theory is nonetheless huge with me, as it encourages one to make the least amount of assumptions possible. Take the IKP for example:

One could look at the unexplained reduction in weight of the IKP (International Prototype Kilogram) and make many leaps as to the reason for its diminishment. Since it requires three independent sets of keys to gain access to it, any deliberate alteration would have to be a conspiracy. Since the IKP is the standard by which oil and pharmaceuticals are measured, one could immediately blame both sectors for deliberately reducing the size of the kilogram, in an effort to squeeze more profit out of their already bloated sales.

But Occam’s razor elegantly steps into this quagmire and sends us looking for a far less complex explanation for the loss of weight from the official standard for the kilogram, and that my friends is this:

Aliens are bombarding the IPK with a special ray beam in an attempt to remove the iridium alloy from the IPK, so that the aliens can steal the platinum that is leftover. The aliens will then use the platinum to build viaducts on their home planet because they love bridges built with arches made from pure platinum.

See how Occam's razor prevents one from making ridiculous assumptions?

My how the mighty they do fall

What’s next Juice, my former hero of the hash stripes? First it was murder in the first degree, and then you slipped down to being questioned for involvement in a satellite television-pirating scheme. Now you are doing the hard time lotto thing again and working your way towards a wider stance in prison for stealing sports memorabilia. Orenthal James Simpson, what would your mother say? Didn’t she tell you that your crimes should become grander with the passage of time?

You need that jail time so you can matriculate from your fellow prisoners and work you way back up in jailbird status. Maybe you can get out this time and commit like say; grand theft auto or strong-arm robbery. I am afraid that if you beat this rap, your next arrest will be for stealing welfare checks. I do not want to see your next book with the title of “If I stole it.” That would be way too much humiliation for me to bear Juice, and I am still your biggest fan.

I am pulling for you, and I am pulling for you to go way downtown Juice, and go bang!

अडेऊ

तरी थिस वन up यौर ass

Future Vision

Washington DC (CNN)-A Mexican flag is now flying over the nation’s capital. A contingent of roughly 300 illegal Mexican immigrants stormed the capital today armed only with toilet scrubbers and leaf blowers. It took approximately a half-hour for Washington to fall. President Fred Thompson was quickly evacuated to Canada, but left his wife behind signaling his desire not to run for a second term.

A White House press release from Toronto said that Thompson was examining all of his options, but it was “unlikely a counter attack could be mounted, as a majority of our troops are still in Iraq”. Thompson further added that “advocates of withdrawal from Iraq risk making a huge mistake, by refusing to re-examine their own conviction that Gen. Petraeus's strategy cannot succeed and that the war is 'lost,' despite rising evidence to the contrary."

The new Mexican ruling junta also issued a press release from the nation’s capital, stating emphatically that they did not wish to harm anyone, and that they just wanted to be able to clean America’s toilets again, and blow off their driveways. The Mexicans are dismayed that large numbers of unemployed U.S. scientists have eagerly accepted lower wages than the illegal immigrant’s were willing to work for in the same positions.

In other news today, the last practicing Indian doctor in America returned to India today. Dr. Mohammed Haneef told reporters he was leaving because he could no longer earn a decent living here. Haneef blamed the fact that over 80% of Americans did not have health insurance, because the majority were working low-paying jobs in the retail industry. “At least in India, the patient can afford to give you a chicken,” Haneef added, as he left the concourse for his return flight.

Elsewhere, five hurricanes simultaneously hit Orlando today, inflicting considerable damage to the Disney World theme park complex. A spokesman for Disney did not expect a significant impact on Disney's quarterly earnings as Disney was already in the process of closing the park down. Attendance levels had been dropping steadily over the last several years because Americans were unable to afford to purchase the gas to drive there.

Yesterday, Lucinda Watts of Albany Georgia won the Scripps National Spelling Bee, by correctly spelling the word “dog”. Lucinda won a cash prize of $50,000 for her accomplishment.

And finally Space Shuttle flights have been grounded indefinitely due to a computer malfunction. The aging fleet was due to be retired several years ago, but has been finally shut down by computer error. Apparently most of the tires on the shuttle fleet desperately need to be rotated, but NASA engineers have been unable to rotate them without working computers.

That’s the way it was, this day of September 15, 2011.


ब्लोव मे

Fearmongering and other क्रेप

The amygdala does not lie

Both blacks and whites viewing the faces of African Americans display extremely similar changes in the activity of brain structures that respond to emotional events. This was reported in a UCLA study way back in 2005. The changes occur in the amygdala, a region of the brain that serves as an "alarm" to activate a cascade of other biological systems to protect the body in times of danger. Five out of eight African Americans and seven of 11 Caucasians responded with greater activity in the amygdala when viewing the African American photographs.

Basically, we do not have any inherent problems with racism in this country, so you can all sleep easy. Unless of course, you should happen to see a black face in your sleep.

Terrorists will eat your diseased liver.

Ignore heart disease, ignore lung cancer, and definitely ignore drug gangs in the street. Please ignore bridges that can fall and kill you. You must overlook that you lost your job overseas and that you may not be able to pay your mortgage. Please pay no attention that you can die from taking a prescription drug that was wrongly prescribed, or that you may die from an infection you picked up in a health-care facility that has not been kept properly sanitized.

Overlook the potential that a drunk driver may kill you, or that a member of your family who is mentally ill may slaughter you. Pay no attention to hurricanes and tornadoes. Disregard your lack of health care insurance. By all means, do not focus your attention on any sharp objects or loaded weapons you may have around the house that you might in turn use to kill yourself. Do not worry about poisons in your food or health-care products, and definitely do not worry about toxins in your water or air.

What you need to be concerned with is trees. Terrorists can hide in trees, as well as illegal Mexican immigrants. Trees conceal terrorists, and make it very difficult for you to see them. You must especially, be concerned about evergreens as they provide affective cover year round.

We are winning the war against trees, but as of today, far too many trees still remain in this country. We must remove them wherever we find them. We must hunt them down, even in places that humans seldom travel. If one single tree remains, it provides cover for a terrorist, or an illegal Mexican immigrant. We must go after the funding that provides for more trees, and seek out those who would harbor these trees.

Lastly be sure to vote Republican, because one vote for a Democrat is a death sentence for an American who will die at the hands of a terrorist, hiding in a tree.

Live in fear, die in ignorance. Because ignorance is bliss, right? Amen, hallajeujah!


Editor’s note: I am taking the Grandkids camping this weekend, so would somebody please feed the dog, and check to see if the package arrives?

बीते मे

ऎंड थे होरसे यू रोड इन on

Because I said…say it ain’t so.

This month’s classy biotch award goes to Foxy Brown who amongst other things has at one point, turned herself in for a felony assault charge that she acquired for hitting her neighbor with a Blackberry. (Don’t worry, if you do not know who Ms. Brown is, you are far better off than I.) She also once spat on two hotel workers in Raleigh, North Carolina when they told her they didn't have an iron available. Thank god it wasn’t a hair dryer, there’s no telling what would have happened.

According to yet another arrest report, Brown was applying beauty products in the bathroom of the Queen Beauty Supply store when a employee knocked on the door and told her the business was closed so it was time to leave. She refused, and then threw hair glue at the employee, and then she spat on the man as he called 911, staining his shirt. Spit and hair glue that’s what little girls are made of.

For allegedly attacking two manicurists in Chelsea, Manhattan during a dispute over a $20 bill that she refused to pay, Brown wound up in court again only to have us witness her beating up on a bailiff in the courtroom…. in front of the judge. I am just guessing that if you asked Foxy, she would tell you she was getting her nails done to help maintain her image. I am sorry, after that last one, I just gotta pause here a second……………………

Anyway, for this momentary lapse in judgement, Foxy just found herself body slammed with a sentence of a year in jail. Looking back over just a fragment of her most colorful life, I am compelled to think that her stay in prison will be Brown’s own personal, state financed trip to finishing school.

Bet she will be able to balance books on her head and still walk immediately after being anally raped with a toilet plunger.

Speaking of nappy headed ho’s…

Today’s “A promise is forever” segment

I was so thrilled to see fellow Reverend Al Sharpton take time off from his battle against black rap artists using devaluing language in their recordings, (language that is identical to what got Don Imus fired after Sharpton went after him several months ago), to stand up for the beleaguered Michael Vick.

Vick is in fact black, which obviously means “the man” is oppressing him. Imus was white, which means he is “the man”. Just as with Tawana Brawley, and the Duke rape case, the pure and the innocent will always need Reverend Al Sharpton to defend them.

As soon as Al Sharpton gets back on the trail of those nasty black rap artists he said he was going after full throttle, I am quite sure we will see Al throw many a black rap artist out in the gutter where they belong.

We will see the giant record conglomerates tremble when confronted with Mighty Al’s power and integrity. In fact, I am sure it has only been so quiet on this front in the last few months because Sharpton was just about to explode his case against these black rap artists. Any day now, I am sure.

Because you know, Al Sharpton promised he would.

अस विपे

वहत'एस इन यौर pocket

Got Butt Cream?

If you thought butt cream was just a derisive insult hurled around in your grade school years, guess again. The web is awash in butt crème. Crème or cream, it’s your choice, but waiting for you out there on the world wide web is justification for the Internet’s very existence, one massive thread of a butt cream extravaganza.

You like I, may be wondering just what is butt crème? Is it a product from the butt, or a product made specifically for the butt? Will it cause birth defects, can you put it on your face? Would you want to put it on your face? I will do my best to try and answer all of the questions that swell within you when you think of butt crème.

Well, first on my list is Dr. Webster's Butt Cream. Who would think a major skirmish would result from butt cream sales? Sadly folks it has, and Dr. Webster's Butt Cream is stuck at the gooey center of it. Would you want your name and face falsely plastered on jars of butt cream? Maybe you have a secret recipe just like KFC did with chicken, and you are pissed off because someone is using your good name to get people to smear defective butt cream on themselves.

Then there is Sandra Bullock's butt cream cure for wrinkles! Finding bullock and butt crème in the same article is disturbing enough most would say. Hearing Bullock discuss the “good loving” she gets from her husband along with helpful tips on butt cream, that makes me want to check Sandra and see if she has a large and prominent adams apple, sort of like that thing Ann Coulter has growing out of her throat.

Apparently, some people get touchy when the subject of butt cream comes up, and you cannot get any more definitive than this statement “Angie Barrett Does Not Use Butt Cream”. You really do not want to read the article but it is right here if you savor the mundane.

Butt cream has become such a massive global marketing force they even have test dummies for this stuff. I found this post “Follow-Up: Confessions of A Butt-Cream Test Dummy”. I was thinking that as it appears that Senator Larry Craig may be unemployed soon, maybe this job might be right up his, er, alley?


From the “just so I don’t leave you with just one topic” department...

While I was researching butt crème, by sheer accident, I stumbled across the Poop Report.

पच्कित

बुन्घोलेस ऎंड ओथेर things

Romney, Romney, he’s my man.

I just heard that Mitt Romulan, I mean Newt Romney, no, I am sorry, Mitt Romney, the Mormon guy, (you know, the faith that thinks Jesus and Satan came to earth on a spaceship? The guys that misplaced the gold plates their divine word was etched upon, remember them?) wants to start surveillance on Churches.

Forgive me, but I think this is a great idea, as wasn’t Larry Craig one of those thumper types? It always seems to be those dadgum fundies getting caught in some lewd, perverse act of homo-sex-u-al-it-e? Shoot even their preachers get caught packing the fudge.

These queers are clearly streaming out of the church in droves. We need cameras and microphones, we need x-ray vision glasses, all kinds of high-tech scanners, just to keep an eye on these homo-sex-u-als where we know they gather together all in one place.

Church.

Nobody’s perfect

I won’t mention her name as I am too cheap to give her a plug, but just today, I was listening to my favorite talking head whilst driving through the mountains. The station's signal would fade and then return as I dipped in and out of valleys, which around these parts, is business as usual.

Suddenly, mixing signals from adjacent channels swarmed the soothing female voice of my beloved left wing radio personality. I could hear rush Limbaugh, Hannity and Bill O’Reilly, along with what sounded like hundreds of other right-wing anus puffers.

At first I could hear them all individually and other than Limbaugh, they all sounded like fully automated voices. Limbaugh actually sounded quite stoned. Then I realized that is how they normally sound.

Then these pulsing, bloated radio signals became a veritable blizzard of right wingers coming across oh so omnipotent, so damn certain of themsleves, that I was almost overcome by a wave of nausea brought on by the sudden surge in bellicosity.

Just when I was about to rip my stereo right out of the dash, this one voice leapt out from all the others. It was an actor in a Spanish radio soap opera talking to a young lady he had just met at a dance, and I will translate for you as best as I can what he said into English. He said:

“Come with me, do not listen to those other men, they are just trying to get into your pants. They will take your innocence away from you and leave you with nothing as they laugh away into the night.”

Irony is a wonderful thing, isn’t it?


सी या

रत सुक'in bastards

Could ya just beat me up instead?

To all those fish out there, those fish that want to be accepted, that want to peacefully co-exist with humans, I have one small piece of advice to offer you:

Bite us, kill us, chew us to tiny bits, but don’t you dare call us names, unless you are from the same clique.

If you denizens of the aquatic world want a shot at rubbing elbows (or fins if you will) with us, learn from watching our current behavior. We humans will allow you to be complete rat bastards with no redeeming qualities whatsoever, in fact we will reelect you as president if you just avoid calling us names. Torture us, kill innocent children, deprive us of our rights, but don’t call us tree huggers.

If you do not believe me, just ask Jerry Lewis and Don Imus.

Hecklersareus

The first act that got up on the stage was a musical group, and these guys were not the Smothers Brothers. They were on stage for a good twenty-five minutes, and not once did one single soul in the audience laugh out loud. Then this guy gets on the microphone and blabs on for ten minutes while the stage was being rearranged for the next act, and this guy possessed the comedy chops of a mortician.

This process was repeated three more times, and finally I had had enough. I stood atop my chair and screamed at the group on stage, and sandwiched in between a barrage of four letter words, I let those guys know that they had no future in standup comedy. I continued my tirade until security personnel picked me up and hauled me out of the park.

The only part I regret about being tossed out was the $120.00 I spent on those crappy tickets. I strongly advise you to avoid spending your hard-earned dollars on anything that bills itself as a “Jazz Festival”. If the rest of them are anything like the one I attended, all you are going to get is music, and very little if any comedy.

Next week I will be attending a Scientology orientation, and I’ll report back to you afterwards, if anything happens that is remotely funny. There damn well better be, as it cost me a fortune to get a seat at the proceedings.