rim जॉब

And speaking of “spanking the monkey”…

One commentator on this slightly capricious thread over with the mighty fine people of “The Fire Theft Messageboard” thought they had it nailed shut with this comment:

“If we were to actually abstain from "mental masturbation"...we would be without 95% of all things posted on the Internet. ...”

I would like to know why this particular commentator assumes that anything that is available on the Internet isn’t mental masturbation? This junk that I publish certainly is, and would boldly challenge anyone to prove that any of your postings had any greater significance than say, grunion rolling around on a beach. Why hide from the truth in shame anymore?

Stand up America!

I for one am proud to admit that I masturbate my brain and that my own metaphorical “special nuggets and juices of joy” are squirted right out all over the Internet.

I should also mention, that if you were, by, some chance, eating something, while you were, reading this post, you have my, sincerest, apologies. *

*(Punctuation provided courtesy of William Shatner.)

Are you strapped into a chair?

Okay, read this now.

Today’s film suggestion

Apparently there is a new movie out staring someone named Alma Gorf, and it is a really must see film. I think it might be about dentistry and the name of the film is something like “Ingenious Tooth”, at least that is what I think the guy said. I heard a patient telling the doctor about it with great enthusiasm at the dentist office today

तके इत इन थे बूट America

Beating around the Bush chronicles part 1.

Dear Cambodia and Vietnam,

I am very aware that Cambodia is now a democracy, and that Vietnam’s GDP growth was 8.17% in 2006, the second fastest growth rate among countries in East Asia and the fastest in Southeast Asia. I know that the both of you are far more prosperous and civilized now than you used to be.

Unfortunately, I have to send my troops in to attack your countries because our failure well over thirty years ago to completely destroy your regimes is now causing us difficulties with terrorists. You and I both know that when America cut and ran, things eventually got better for your people. Sadly these damned terrorists keep pointing to your countries and our abandonment of them, as proof that we are spineless and will leave Iraq.

We cannot leave Iraq for a variety of constantly morphing reasons, so if I do not take the time now to wipe your countries out, the American people will eventually force our troops to leave Iraq. After we have left, the Iraqis will kill a bunch of their fellow Iraqis, and then eventually settle down and work their way towards being a prosperous country not unlike your own.

When this happens, it is entirely possible that many will begin to question the legitimacy of our being in Iraq in the first place. This could adversely affect my legacy, and as I am trying currently to get a presidential library built, I would appreciate it if you guys can just stand there and quietly absorb the pounding of a few thousand cluster bombs for me; you know, lose a few limbs, and it will all be over very quickly.

Please do not put up much of a fight, because that would make it appear as though a portion of your population did not actually appreciate us being in your country.

I also hope that you do not mind that some of my political consultants got high on mood altering drugs, and suggested that I begin to compare our original conflict with your countries, to the current one in Iraq. Look, I know you fellas do not have any oil, but our focus groups and poll samplings indicate most of my base will buy this crap.

I would really appreciate this, because the opposition political party in my country is incapable of formulating any coherent response to this new strategy.

Sincerely yours,

George W. Bush

हे प्रोबब्ल्य इस आ फुद्गे packer

Didn’t Karl Rove just cut-and-run?

There have been more than just a few people who have expressed an unwillingness to become involved in our war on the terror of bridges, on which I took a few moments to speak about on Monday.

If you refuse to support the war on our nation’s structurally deficient bridges, you are aiding terrorists. These structurally deficient bridges are aiding terrorists by killing Americans, without costing the terrorists one bloody red cent.

Those of you who have supported the war on our nation’s structurally deficient bridges who now want to stop funding the needed repairs of our nation’s bridges, are cutting and running. You are aiding the terrorists! You are not supporting those fighting in the war for safer bridges.

Despite the fact that we have not actually found any weapons of mass distraction around our bridges, that does not mean that they are not there. Even if it turns out that there are not WMDs under our bridges, America cannot have a democracy unless America has safe bridges. We must bring democracy to America by giving America structurally sound bridges.

Lastly, the bridges are coming after your children.

लिके आ स्मोकिंग turd

Lift you up just to cut you down.

About two months ago I spent the afternoon with US Congressman and at the conclusion of our meeting, this Republican Congressman wrote me a big check. When was the last time you heard of that happening? God only knows how much ill-gotten Halliburton graft money is now sitting in a trust account I set up afterwards.

So there I was feeling pretty good about myself, as later that night I walked out of my hotel for a breath of fresh air. A gentleman approached me on foot and he appeared to have something rather large stuffed up underneath his scruffy little jacket.

First there was the fact it was about 98 degrees with 200 percent humidity and this guy was wearing a jacket. Then I noticed his teeth, or that which appeared to be serving as a crude facsimile thereof. Then the guy opens his mouth again and blurts, almost belches out,

“Are you prejudiced?”

He might have been toothless, but he had a very acute understanding of the importance of closing the deal. Stuffed in his jacket was a rat eaten, simulated leopard skin blanket. He was more than willing to sell that blanket to me for the ridiculously low price of $20.

The conversation between us remained a conversation and not a negotiation, much to the annoyance of the seller. The fact that the seller was less than 300 yards from a liquor store was apparently far more compelling than remaining in my company, and it motivated the seller to abandon his conversation with me, and he departed in haste.

I was left to stand there in the parking lot and absorb just how far I had just fallen from my lofty perch.

मय बुन्स अरे raw

In the just in case you haven’t noticed department

My word count has in fact gone down. The gigantic posts of yesterday, those 500 and 700 word titans of essays have been set back more than a few kilobytes. The average word count per post on a highly successful blog is usually hovering somewhere around a thoroughly intimidating 65 words.

In essence, the average reader has the attention span of a gnat with a massive erection that occurred after consuming a double espresso. I expect millions of readers will be drawn to my writing now, only to be highly disappointed when they discover that what they are reading is making absolutely no sense at all.

Since that is usually the case for them, I expect to be wildly successful.

Today’s just because I can publish it segment:

Over 155, 000 of our nation’s bridges are structurally deficient or functionally obsolete. If the bridge that just collapsed in Minneapolis fell instead as a result of a terrorist attack, we would already be well on our way to throwing billions of dollars at protecting our bridges. We would be doing this while we were simultaneously bombing the crap out of any small flea-bitten country that bothered to look at us sideways after the attack.

I drive over some of these junk-ass bridges every day. I think we are terrorists, because every damn day I clamp my buns together and drive across these pieces of crap. I am terrorized enough, dangit. We need to throw some damn money at our bridges because we are being attacked by terrorists!

I can assure you that these defective bridges possess weapons of mass destruction, and bridges do in fact harbor terrorists. Worse still, not a single one of these crippled pieces of post-industrial detritus speaks English!

Somebody call Halliburton, there is money to be made in the bridge business.

रोइड्स यू गोता लोवे थेम ओर फ्रीज़े थेम off

The you're not in Kansas anymore segment


Today’s post is brought to you by Mary Matalin Gisher, and gets a day off for me, which is a pretty cool deal. I did not collaborate with her on this one, and I do not mention this for any reason other than the fact that she should receive proper credit for the work. Okay that reason as well as the fact that I just got through cleaning all of the rotten eggs off of my car. She’s in the Volvo, just so you know.

All in all, the most frightening aspect of the cartoon is not what is happening to Texas, but just how God awful a woman George Bush would make. At least George and I have one thing in common, other than being roaring alcoholics.

If you missed yesterday’s post, it is completely worthless, but you should read it anyway. I am too lazy to link to it so breakdown and use the archives link for August.

See you Monday.